cornergasfandomcom-20200213-history
Road Worthy/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: You thinking of buying a car? Hank Yarbo: Why would you say that? Lacey: Because you're reading the Car Guide. Hank: Oh. I read it every year. It's got everything, action, suspense, graphs. I mean yeah, sure, it's a formula, but it works. Lacey: I'm thinking of buying a new car, but it's so intimating, and it's worse if you're a woman. Hank: That's pretty sexist. Lacey: No. No, I mean the salesmen don't give you as good a price. Hank: Oh, yeah. I thrive on that high pressure stuff. I never buckle. Lacey: You want a piece of pie to go with that coffee? Hank: Uh, no. Uh, yeah, yeah, okay, okay. You know, if you're worried about this car thing, you should take a guy with ya. Lacey: That's a good idea. I think I'll take ya up on that. Hey, you wanna go look at cars with me? Brent Leroy: Okey-dokey. Lacey: Thanks, Hank. Davis Quinton: You never see anyone with a good yo-yo anymore. Karen Pelly: You always start conversations as though we've been having a conversation. Davis: I'm just saying, you used to see yo-yos all the time, but now they're disappearing. Karen: Yeah, Davis, they're like the rainforest. Davis: Ah, rainforest. Who misses it? Karen: Speaking of yo-yos. Hank: Where? Davis: I was just saying, you never see yo-yos anymore. It's like the rainforest, but sad. Hank: I can't believe this. You guys are eatin' doughnuts? Karen: So? Hank: Cops eating doughnuts, that's like dogs chasing cats. Davis: Dogs do chase cats. Hank: They're animals. They don't know any better. But you two have a choice. Karen: I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the yo-yo conversation. Davis: Happier times. Hank: Plus, doughnuts are like the worst thing in the world for ya. Karen: What about gettin' a piano dropped on your head? That's pretty bad. Davis: How could this be the worst thing? Karen: A chainsaw accident can be painful. Davis: It's just dough and nuts. Karen: If you were at the zoo, and you were leaning over the tiger pit and you fell into the tiger pit, that would be worse than doughnuts. Hank: Joke all you want. But I stay trim by eatin' healthy. Davis: Oh, yeah? What do you snack on? Hank: Well, I just ate a pie. But I got a fast metabolism. Karen: It'll slow down once he hits puberty. Wanda Dollard: You here to pimp my ride? Oscar Leroy: Notice anything different about me? Wanda: Have I seen you in that green ball cap before? Oscar: Yeah, lotsa times. Guess again. Wanda: Um, haircut? Oscar: The sunglasses. Wanda: Oh, yes, that's right. Oh, they make you look like a more distinguished Corey Hart. Oscar: Who's he? Is he important? Wanda: Only the Secretary General of the UN. Oscar: I knew that. Wanda: So, what's with the sunglasses? Oscar: Anniversary comin' up. Emma always gives me my gift a week early, to remind me. She does it out of spite, because she knows I'll screw it up and get her a crappy gift. Wanda: And getting something non-crappy, that never occurred to you? Oscar: Oh, it's easy to say. I don't know what to get her. Wanda: Well, coming to a gas station is a good start. Motor oil, washer fluid, two-litre bottles of pop. Oscar: Oh, she likes pop. Wanda: Don't get her pop. Let's see. I'm usually pretty good at this. Have you thought of a day at the spa? Oscar: Yeah. That could get me to relax, help me to think. Wanda: Well, I kinda meant Emma. Trust me, she'll love it. Oscar: Okay. But you better hope you're right. Am I forgetting something? Wanda: I helped you, you threatened me. I think that covers it. Oscar: Happy Anniversary. Emma Leroy: What is it? Oscar: A day at the spa. Emma: Do you listen to anything I say? Emma: What a rip off those day spas are. Promise me you'll never get me one for a present. Oscar: Okey-dokey. Emma: This is the worst present ever! Oscar: Okey-dokey. Lacey: Okay, you ready to go face some car salesmen? Brent: You bet. Hey, look what I found at the gas station. Lacey: You're gonna keep them? Don't you have a lost and found? Brent: Well, I had one, but I lost it. Isn't that ironic, don't ya think? Hank: You know what would be weird? If somebody put a lost, lost and found box in a lost and found box. Lacey: Good. Now we have something to talk about in the car. Brent: Right. Let's not take any guff from those salesmen. Hank: Guff? Brent: Strong language, but I think it's called for. We'll brook no foolishness. Lacey: Check. No guff brooking. Hank: What's wrong with Guff Brooking? He's got some good tunes. Lacey: Okay, time to go. Hank: Wait. Are you two gonna pretend to be married? Lacey: Why would we pretend... Brent: That's not a bad idea, Hank. Hank: 'Cause you should get some rings. Lacey: No, I don't think so. Hank: Then you need a good story why you don't have rings. Maybe you're gettin' them washed or you lost them. Brent: I'd buy that. I lost the lost and found. Lacey: We lost our wedding rings. This marriage is in trouble. Hank: Maybe you were at the zoo and you were leaning over the tiger cage... Lacey: Okay, I wanna go. Brent: I wanna hear the tiger thing. Wanda: Hey, Emma, I hear it's anniversary time. Emma: Oh, yeah. Wanda: Oscar get you somethin' good this year? Something tells me he did. Emma: It's like he doesn't even know me. Wanda: What's wrong? Emma: He got me a day at the spa. A monkey could come up with a gift like that. Wanda: A monkey? I mean, you don't think the spa's pleasant? Emma: Oh, yeah, total strangers touching me. It's more pleasant talking to you. No offence. Wanda: None taken. Emma: Oh, I don't know why I'm snapping at you. It's not like it's your fault. I, I'm just so depressed. What a stupid, stupid gift from a stupid, stupid person. Wanda: Right. Well, a lot of people like the spa. Emma: Well, you don't have to defend him. Do you have any sugar? Wanda: Is white all right, Your Highness? Karen: You know, Hank has a point. Davis: What? That Darth Maul is better than Darth Vader? That is such garbage. Karen: I meant about the doughnuts. Tomorrow I'll bring us some healthy snacks. Davis: How about plain doughnuts, baby steps? Karen: It'll be good, you'll see. Davis: Sorry about goin' off on the Vader thing. I know you hate it. Karen: I don't hate it. It just makes me pity you. Davis: It's just that everyone likes Darth Maul because he's got that double light sabre. Anyone looks good with a double light sabre. Karen: Yeah, a real chick magnet. Brent: Hey, look, Guff Brooking. Lacey: Okay, let's go. Brent: All right. Let me just put my game face on. Now, remember, cool detachment. Lacey: Cool detachment, I got it. I'm kind of excited. Brent: Get that smile off your face. Cool detachment. Brent: Whoa-ho-ho, do you see how fast these windows go up and down? You gotta get this one. Lacey: Ah, he's excited. We just got married. Can you give us a sec? Bill: Sure. Lacey: What are you doing? Brent: Oh. I'm sorry, I got carried away. Lacey: Cool detachment. Brent: Cool detachment. But these windows... Lacey: Cool detachment. Brent: All right, listen. Don't let him talk you into any fancy extras. You don't need a whole bunch of...hang on. Lacey: What? Brent: Is my bum getting warm? Bill: It's the seat warmers. Brent: She'll take it. Lacey: Brent! Brent: All right, I admit it. I was thrown by the windows. Lacey: And the bum warming. Brent, you were like a different person. Brent: I've never seen windows go that fast. They were like rocket windows. Give me another chance. Hank: You guys made a commitment. You gotta try and stick this fake marriage out. Lacey: We are not fake married. Hank: Look, every fake relationship has its ups and downs. It's what you do during the down periods that defines your commitment. Brent: The fake reverend is right. Davis: Mmm. Boy, you can really taste the zucchini. Thanks for makin' them. Karen: Yeah. Davis: I mean really taste it. Karen: Yeah. Davis: I'm not sure I like the taste of zucchini, but you sure can taste it. Karen: They are a little dry. Next time I'll add some raisins. Davis: Or maybe chocolate chips. Karen: Hey, good idea. Davis: How far do you think I can throw this? Karen: I'll go first. Oscar: You're still steamed about the gift? Emma: A monkey could have gotten a better gift, honest to God, a monkey. Oscar: I tried my best. Emma: And not a special monkey that knows sign language either, just a regular run-of-the-mill monkey. Oscar: Give me another chance. Emma: Where are your sunglasses, anyway? Did ya lose them? Oscar: No. I decided not to wear them until I got you a present that was more thoughtful. Emma: Honest to God, a monkey. Brent: This is going better today. Lacey: Yes. But I still think we should go to a different lot and compare. Brent: Why? This is just what you need. Lacey: I just want to look around. Brent: Look around? This is a great car. Lacey: Didn't you tell me not to get the first one we looked at? Brent: Well, I didn't you'd look at this one. This is like the Batmobile. Lacey: Next you're gonna be telling me to get the undercoating. Brent: I bet Batman would. Bill: Any questions? Lacey: No. Brent: Look give me a second to talk to her, all right? Bill: How long have you two been married? Brent: Oh, oh, you're probably wondering why we don't have rings. Funny story. We were at the zoo... Lacey: Brent! Brent: Let me tell the story, honey. Karen: Sorry! Hank: Zucchini. Nice healthy choice. Oscar: A monkey coulda suggested a better gift. Not a deaf one either, just any old monkey. Wanda: You people are obsessed with monkeys. A spa day is a great gift. A year's supply of bananas, that's a monkey gift. Oscar: You really dropped the ball on this one. Wanda: An old tire hanging from a rope, that's a monkey gift. Spa day, great gift. Oscar: Well, Emma hated it. Wanda: I know. Oscar: You know nothing! So what do I get her? Wanda: That's it? That's the fight? Oscar: Come on, I need a woman's advice. Oscar: Where's Lacey? I need some advice. Oscar: I want some advice. Karen: Too busy. Which kinda chocolate chip tastes better? Oscar: What makes a good anniversary present? Goth Girl: I don't know, a day at the spa? Oscar: You're the bottom of the barrel, but I'm desperate. Wanda: Oh, geez, I'd love to, Oscar. But, uh, I was just about to staple my tongue. Hmm, staple my tongue, help Oscar. They're both so enjoyable. Lacey: Brent, it's my money and I don't want to buy it. Brent: Oh, so what's your money now. What about your money? Alright. Alright. But we've taken up this guy's time. We owe him. Lacey: I think we should dicker. Brent: Dicker, a waste of time. He already said it was his best price. You'll hurt his feelings. We can't do that to Bill. Associate: Think they'll buy? Bill: I don't know. But look what I found. Wanda: Hank, glad you're here. Listen to Oscar, while I move on with my life. Oscar: I need a make-up gift for Emma. I need a woman's advice. Hank: I can give ya a woman's advice. Oscar: I'll go with a woman. Hank: That's sexist. Oscar: Wanda, help me out, here. Wanda: Aaa-aa-aaah. Oscar: Oh, you're no use anyway. Day at the spa. Hank: Oh, don't get her one of those. Those are a rip off. Wanda: Okay, look, makeup. Every woman loves makeup. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a, oh, a, uh, whatchamacallit-oh, a-oh, hah, a job. Oscar: Makeup. Seems good. Hank: I don't know. Oscar: What? Hank: Never mind. I got an idea, but you want a woman. Oscar: No, it's okay. Shoot. Hank: Right here. Oscar: Eh? Davis: Where have you been? I didn't know where you were. Karen: Oh, sorry. Did you need backup on that armed robbery? Try. Davis: Ah, I don't know. Karen: Just try. Davis: Mmm, these are better. Karen: I cut the amount of zucchini and threw in the chocolate chips. Davis: Mmm, good thinkin', partner. Got some butter? Karen: Oh, they're nice and moist already. I doubled up the butter. Oscar: Happy Anniversary. What do ya think? Emma: A bathroom scale. Wow. Oscar: Is that good, bad? Don't keep me in suspense, woman. Emma: Oscar, I love it. It shows you're worried about my health. How did you come up with this idea? Oscar: Well, I'm intuitive and, uh, I wanted to get you somethin' as nice as the sunglasses you got me. Emma: Oh, put them on again. I wanna see how you look in them. Oscar: Okay. Emma: Oh, you didn't lose them, did ya? Oscar: No. I'll, I'll go get 'em. Karen: Try this. Healthy Snack Version Three. Davis: Mmm, that is great. What'd ya do? Karen: Well, I had another thought. I replaced the zucchini with Smarties. Davis: Well, I gotta say, I don't miss the zucchini. What about the chocolate chips? Karen: Oh, I kept those. Davis: Good idea. Because we want to eat healthy, but it should still taste good. Karen: Does the frosting help or hurt? Davis: Oh, it helps, really helps. Mmm-hmm-mmmm. Emma: Oscar really came through for me with the anniversary gift. Wanda: Well, you look beautiful. Emma: Well, thanks. Anyway, Oscar gave me the nicest gift. Wanda: What brand? Emma: Sears. It's digital. Wanda: Digital makeup? Emma: Digital scale. He gave me a bathroom scale. It's so romantic, shows he's thinking about my health. Wanda: Ah, that old smoothie. I thought he was getting you makeup. Emma: Oh, thank God he didn't. Can you imagine? Honestly. Wanda: Yeah, yeah, a monkey. Hank: Hey, good work, Karen. Karen: This was a really good idea you had, Hank. Eating these muffins has really made me feel more energetic, especially ten minutes after I eat them. Then I kinda crash. So I just eat another one. Hank: I'm glad I could help. You stay the course. Karen: Mmm. It's tough goin', but I'm worth it. Brent: Okay, so that didn't go too well. Lacey: No, it didn't. Brent: That Bill guy is slick. We should go to a new lot. Lacey: Good idea. Brent: And I won't get flustered next time. Lacey: No, you won't. Lacey: It'll go better at this place. Hank: Shouldn't we have rings? Oscar: I think I left my sunglasses here. Where's the lost and found box? Wanda: Oh, it's been missing for a long time. I think someone stole it. People are jerks. Oscar: You can't trust nobody. Wanda: Hey, why do you hound me for gift advice and then ignore it? Oscar: I liked Hank's idea better. Wanda: Hank's? Oscar: Yeah. Wanda: Hank's? Oscar: Yeah. What? Wanda: Hank's? Oscar: Stop saying that. Bill: But, I love you. I've always loved you. Jenny: It can never work out. We work at two different car dealerships. Bill: But... Hank: Hey, we'd like to look at some cars. Bill: I never want to see you again. Hank: Oh, wait. You dropped your sunglasses. Wanda: Hank's? Karen: I gained three pounds. We're going back to doughnuts. Davis: Doughnuts? But I don't have the willpower. Karen: Tough it out. Davis: Maybe after we eat a doughnut, we could reward ourselves with muffins. Brent: You got a new car, with Hank? Lacey: Oh, Hank was great. He got them to knock $1000 off their best offer. Hank: I'm good at payin' less for stuff. Brent: Yeah, well, I can see I'm not needed here. Lacey: I can use some gas. Brent: Maybe Hank can pump it for ya. Lacey: I think I hurt his feelings. Hank: Looks like it. What were we talking about before? Oh, yeah. Darth Maul would be a way better apprentice than Darth Vader would. Emma: Oscar. Oscar: Yeah, Sweetie? Emma: I found your sunglasses case and it's empty. They're expensive. You should keep them in here. Oscar: Nah. I like to go commando. Emma: Well, that's not what that phrase means. Oscar: I don't wanna keep them cooped up in a case. They wanna be free and easy. Emma: Are we still talking about sunglasses? Where are they, anyway? Oscar: I heard Lacey bought a car. Love ya. Lacey: Hey. Brent's mad about the car thing. Wanda: Hmm. Maybe you should get him a make-up gift, ease the pain a little. Lacey: You know, that is a great idea. Wanda: Thanks. Oh, um, but just so we're clear, I don't mean buy Brent makeup. Lacey: Right. Because that was at the top of my list, right next to nail polish. What should I get him? Josh: Hey, is that the new one? Hank: Yeah. You want it? Josh: You're not gonna finish it? Hank: No, man. I lived it. Emma: So, are you gonna admit it? Oscar: What? Emma: That you lost the sunglasses. Oscar: They're right there. Emma: Well, pick them up, before you lose them. Oscar: I'll get to it. Lacey: Brent. I know the whole car thing didn't work out, but I wanted to say thanks a lot for all your help. Brent: Wha, well. A money clip. Wait, is this your way of reminding me how much money you saved by using Hank? Lacey: What? Hank: Hey, Lacey, you were right. I, uh, I talked Lacey into buying you that money clip. My mistake. What she really wanted to get ya was this. Brent: Whoa! A yo-yo! Lacey: That's good? Brent: I'm gonna do Around the World and Spank the Baby, Walk the Dog. Lacey: Ah. So, that's good. Davis: Hey-aay, a yo-yo. You never see those anymore. Brent: Yeah, you're right. I never thought, but... Karen: Can we please talk about something else, like Darth Vader? Wanda: Lacey get you a gift? Brent: Yeah, a yo-yo. Wanda: Well, of course. If I had said "ball glove," you woulda got a pony. Lacey: I went with Hank's idea. Wanda: Hank's? Oscar: They're around here somewhere. Emma: They'd better be. Davis: Hey, look, sunglasses. Brent, Lacey and Oscar: They're mine. Wanda: Hank's? Category:Transcripts